I love the moment you have the morning after you do anything with a guy and you dont regret it. You feel like you're ontop of the world - you can talk to anyone, be anything you want. And then Ana usually comes back around too. It's a win for everyone.
Last night was new year's eve - duh - and idk it was just a strange night.
On tuesday night last week ryan came over after our big mall/walking excurision and yes we did shit.
I hate that he's never going to be mine. I'm definatly accepting this though, and just taking what I can get and moving on. The problem is that he wanted to have sex on Tuesday, and it was hard enough to keep it down while my mom and bro were upstairs sleeping and we're in the living room - we ended up going downstairs anyways but that was fucking cold.
So yeah....i miss him. I take that night and play it over and over in my head all the time - it calms me down knowing that I'm good enough at least to fool around with I guess.
But now it's hard to go on my couch or my basement floor...it just reminds me of this too much for now. If mom or bro wasnt home he'd be staying the night and i assure you that would more then likely end in sex.
And marcus is being stupid too. We happened to chill at the bus terminal for a bit - this is after he told his girlfriend addie that he wasn't going to be friends with me for too much longer (like WTFBATMAN?) sorry did i do something wrong? I'm the one that likes you and you used to like me too so I'm sorry if I find it annoying if you're being weird or won't stop talking about your fucking girlfriend. You told me that you guys had sex for your birthday...im not one of the guys, Marc.
And yeah, the new years party last night - ryan was there. he went out on a walk with Karyn and ended up kissing her. So I madeout with her when they came back. Yeah. Gotcha Ryan.
Sorry kid, but she even said agreed he didnt know what he was doing.
Whose better now? *points to self*
And I've been talking to this guy Jaime-Lee, and I'll just call him JL for now..
But he wants to take me do dinner. And I really want to go! He's kinda like .. 27 with a girlfriend though. But he used to be a tattoo artist and a piercer so ...really cute.
And I had the biggest gut feeling hes going to try some shit with me, like to cheat on his girlfriend. And I can't admit that I don't want him too, but still. Theres a back story to this one:
The party last night my friend Alysia had too much to drink. And she's psychic so she can predict even easier. She did mine and told me that if I go to dinner with JL then he's going to come onto me. I'm definatly going to makeout with him and hes going to try to rape me...I'm supposed to tell my mom I'm out to dinner with a friend and when he asks if anyone knows who I'm with I have to lie and say yes.
If he drives it'll be in a car, if not we're going back to his place. If I don't tell anyone that I'm going to dinner then it can't be prevented but someone's apparantally supposed to come save me...like some fucking hero's going to bust his ass to save my skanky one..
Hes going to pin me down and when I refuse to have sex with him he's going to say something like "well you've lead me on this much" and I'm going to think it's all my fault.
Funny because this sounds exactly like what I would do. Will I have sex with him is the question.
I'm also supposed to go out with Jefe in a month or so, and a few months into the relationship I'm supposed to have sex with him. Then the next week I'm supposed to cheat on him with Ryan who I will finally have sex with. And then me and Jefe are supposed to break up because he can't stand it.
So....I've kind of got my life planned out for me. And if I thought the ana and the near-death circumstances and then complete lack of self-worth and major self-destruction were bad now, it's going to get 10 times worse. Apparantally I'm not going to commit suicide but I'm still so shocked..
That was my story for today.. but I'm just in need of sleep. School seems so pointless to me when I look at the actual big picture.
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