Taking It's Toll on Me.

After this fight with my mom i can't think straight. i can't focus on anything. It was just such a reassurance that she doesn't notice me and doesn't believe in me. She's being so stupid about not even taking 2hrs to get me a passport so i can go to Georgia and stand up to protest against something. I want to so badly.

And i told dad everything last night because he started talking about how "every teenager is the same" and "everyone goes through this" which was a mistake. He didn't take this like I wanted him to, he should have talked to me about proper things, like what caused this etc. He just related it all to mom. He doesn't understand that I'm stuck with Ana now. He doesn't understand that I'm mentally sick. I can recognize that I'm mentally sick, its obvious to me now, but I don't have anorexia. And cutting isn't a problem, it's a good distraction.

I just want to sleep forever. I don't want to do this anymore. I've got to go back to mom's house tonight and I don't know how that's going to turn out. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I personally don't want to see my Mom ever again, but I'm going because she needs me, and Ryan needs me. If i'm not there they're eating eggs every night. I'm the one to cook the meals.

I think mom is depressed. Clinically or chronically. I think she needs help, and medication. Auntie Lorna doesn't seem to think the same way, but she didn't give me any good solutions for this either. She just basically told me I'm wrong.
I'm not wrong. All I want to do is help the person that's hurting me the most.
Even if I am going to hell.

I cut yesterday night, and I got scared so I called Kids Help Phone. God are they miracle workers. It's like talking to someone that won't judge you and knows how to deal with what you're saying. They understand what you're doing and they want to help. They give you the attention you need, undivided attention.

I need a plan, and I don't have any. I feel so helpless, so worthless and so pain-stricken.
I ate a wrap after work with Marcus (who got back together with his girlfriend) and then i came home and puked it all up. Then I had a diet pill and a smoke.

I'm not doing this for weightloss, I'm doing this because it's all I know. And that's what my Dad doesn't understand.

God I regret saying anything to him.

I'm just done.

I'm the Hero

I'm focusing. I want to be hungry while eating healthier. I had a banana (85) and one piece of bread (70) for breakfast before work instead of having my bowl of cheerios with milk (+250). I worked my breakfast off at work, 3.5 hours of it to be exact. that's over 300 calories burned. I had food from work - a chicken cesear wrap with fries. that was a mistake. 

But i can't purge. They'll hear me. 

My grandma is planning some thanksgiving dinner tonight, so i'll take minimal amounts with a pill. 

I was out to dinner last night with some friends and purged twice. 

I felt defeated. Like I'm not strong enough to say no. I hate that. I just want to be pretty. To have power. To be skinny. 

GO GET SKINNY.

GET FUCKING SKINNY YOU FAT COW. 

WHY CAN'T YOU SAY NO TO ANYTHING?

YOU'RE SO WORTHLESS, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND TO PUT FOOD IN THAT FAT FACE OF YOURS. YOU HAVE ENOUGH OF IT UNDER YOUR SKIN.

i dont know how i wrote that...it was like i wasn't typing...

Ana...

My God. 

She's not gone, she's been here the whole time, waiting for the time where she can steal me back and make me obey her. She wants to train me, to make me one of her friends. 

I want to cut. But i dont have my blade. Maybe I'll hack with a pencap again.

I'm trying ...i thought.

My friend Krysten is struggling with Ana too. She is anorexic (her definition) I am not anorexic. Ana just follows me.

Krysten only eats when she wants to, and doesn't when she doesnt. I dont think that's anorexia at all. I've had it worse then her. She has a boyfriend now - someone who actually loves her enough to be with her. I dont have that. She TOLD him about her eating habits and he said she was beautiful the way she was, and now she instantly wants to go into recovery? What is this? 

I have this deep gut feeling that she's just agreeing to it because I agreed to it. Like she's following me in recovery.

..What recovery? Sure I'm better then I was at the beginning of September, but I'm sure as hell not in recovery. I just want to sit in a black box until I die to be honest. 

But I would miss so much.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

I don't know who I can talk to anymore. I don't have anyone that reacts the right way, or says the right things, or takes things the right way. They don't understand. Noone can help me. 

I cried last night after dinner when i got home (i found out about Krysten's "recovery" right after dinner). I felt so alone. I don't want to talk to Ryan anymore. He doesn't need me on his back. 

I can't talk to Rieki, I think she's going back. She never says the right things either. Sure i generally tell her whats going on but still.

Definatly not Karyn.

This is a really immature thought, but i feel like Karyn's stealing my friends. They were something that were mine, and I didn't want to bring anyone else into this group because I liked having a group of people supporting me and being with me like they are. But now she's here...I don't know...I find that whenever shes around I'm never myself. 

I'm loosing.

It's a Cycle

I'm sorry that I can't be the one who you would want. I could have treated you so much better then she did. I would have loved you, and I would never have let anything happen to you. I'm sorry that you didn't love me back. I'm sorry that I starve(d) myself because of it. I'm trying to be perfect.
For you.
And it still seems like you don't want me.
So I'm giving up.
You can have her.
I don't need you in my life anymore.
I don't need anyone anymore.

This is a terrible cycle to be in, one of pain and remorse, guilt and pleasure. Depression - happiness - depression - happiness. It just ends with us all being depressed.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I know I am.
My own mother doesn't think I'm a good enough daughter. I need to be better for her. I need to be better for everyone else. But I can't be better on my own. And there's noone else I trust enough to fix me.
I don't even trust myself.

I don't want to be fixed. I'm not a toy that keeps breaking just to reconstruct - it doesn't work that way. I'm not something that can be taped back together. I'm gone.

I'm sorry I'm not enough for anyone.
No one ever says the right things, moves in the right ways, is who I need - for me to recover.
It's always going to be like this. I've just got to accept it.
This is how I'm living.
Ana is the driver, she always has been - and I'm just the passenger.

I try to disobey her, but I keep cutting instead of getting better.
Cut after cut after cut
I'm at 50+ total now.

Count the scars,
then tell me I'm okay.