POEM

so close but so far away
i know you're not here to stay
watching you leave adds to ruts
whats more to say abou tall these cuts?

bleed bleed bleed bleed
what more could i need?
not visible to anyone anymore
what else do i have in store?

noone listens, cares or talks
secrets in boxes, held with these locks
chains, walls, an impentratble force
held me back from life's real course

change change change change
nothing ever stays the same
the hair, makeup and attitude too
all things to make me forget you

starve, fail and starve again
this is how my life will end
skina dn bones is all i need
make me invisible, just how i seem

coward, hypocrite, bitch, liar
cussing at myself, i'm the fire
action reaction is how life goes
how long i'll live only i know

not seeing, caring or wanting at all
you wont catch me when i fall
i've lost this stupid game
no more rise to glorious fame

is it over? have i lost?
i've paid a great cost
no time to run, it's finally done
look at me , the monster i've become

hurt others, get hurt myself
too late to get any type of help
beyond words, actions or rhymes
noone cares to take the time

this little girl, pretty and rpestine
has gone away just like a dream
herself has entirely disappeared
for noone could keep her here

like a life-long trap its like a game
i am the only one to blame
self worth diminished it's all gone
she wont get to sing her last song

what if she left? just went away
noone would have anything to say
maybe she will finally and always be known
as the girl who lost everything she's to own

attention-seeker, tramp liar and hoe
its all true and this i definatly know
people try to tell her wtong, they don't get it
noone can tell her how she is, how pathetic

they try to help her and tell her she's pretty
she just thinks they're all pretty witty
they'rea ll lies, what they have to say,
she knows the voices won't go away

a troubled kid with a childhood to match
some more cuts, to her just a scratch
so she cuts and cuts some more
wonders what she's living for

hearts and people to give and take
she just wants a quiet break
life's too fast for her to keep up
and so she's stuck in all her ruts

she wished she could tell you
but you'd take her for a food
her story you wont even understand
all of herself, is this what you planned?

broke this girl to pieces and now she cries
it's too late to say any sweet goodbyes

Dec.27

I'm sorry to say I've screwed my life up, but it's the truth.

i drink and smoke and drink some more, throwing my life away with every puff and sip. I hate to say it's empowering, but it's not a lie. I can show myself that I have the power to throw my life away, even if I'm failing at starving. I'm going back to ana now, she's calling me again. I hit 163 lbs and feel like the fattest little fucker ever. i miss my 157 lbs - stupid holidays getting the best of me, never again.

Fire away, I'm ready for anything because nothing can hurt me more then how much I'm hurting now - all the time. These thoughts in my head - of abandonment, pain, loss, starvation, bones, ana, music, death - they're going to drain me and I'm going to die.

I'm jealous of all the girls who are like I was, doing good in school with their whole lives inhead of them with their innocence still in tact. That's who I want to be. That's not who I am anymore.
Hanging out with different crowds, I started to even be able to talk like them. Cruising with people smoking and blasting drake was the most fun I've had in a while. That wouldnt have been my answer if you asked if i would have fun doing that a year and a half ago.

It just goes to show you how much things change, and how much power your own mind has.

I love my new friends to bits, and I've kept most of my old ones too - I just feel like I'm being unfair to everyone.

Marcus is being a dumb-wad. December was and still is a hard month for me, so i didnt text him as much and he started complaining about me not texting him after the work Christmas party so i texted him after, the next day, and the next night to no answers. So i didnt bother after that because he didnt seem to want to talk to me. I still texted him saying happy boxing day and he responded with "i'll ttyl im with the gf" ....im like...okay. awksssbro. like it's not that i mind you're with your gf but if she still doesnt want you texting me then she's just brainwashed you

what ever happened to you liking me? because i still like you more then i should.

and then you tell Victoria that you figured i wasnt texting you so why should you make the effort? thats just dumb. i have no idea what to expect from that now. I'm sorry that i had alot on my mind and needed a bit of space?
I hurt you i know that. just by being around you or not being around you you're the one hurting me. Why couldnt you have just broken up with her and had me instead?
when i was really good friends with you you almost broke up with her. i left and you guys had the time of your lives.
should i bother coming back now?
mason said he was going to go up to your gf at the christmas party and ask if thats lydia. i spazzed and you spazzed - i asked you "see why i left?" and you said "whats stopping you?"
yeah.
fucker.

ryan - im just done. I miss you and i love you but im done. You're being such a dick to everyone and i know that you know you're a dick. I will honestly be very surprised if our plans for today actually go through. I" wasnt going to talk to you at all or plan anything. I was honestly going to do the bitch move and cancel these plans for today last second just because you're constantly cancelling plans with me.
and that shit at tim's with peter and rick? just dumb.
you thought i was alone and then showed your face and peters an hour and a half late. not only that but you woudlnt listen to me all night.

and this is after my self-destruction drinking night at alex's where i kept asking you to talk to me and everything and you took it as "i want to have sex with you" and then saying you didnt want to take advantange of me. and then you started texting me for once and asked how i was and i said alright and w.e. and then saying that you keep worrying about me and you love me.
fuck you.

why do i still want you?

and auntie L, you should be worried. your niece's whole life is revolving around self-destruction and pain.

and jefe idk what to say. your personality is amazing but theres just nothing there.

im too fucked up for any of you, and i dont want to hurt anyone else because of my past. everyone's shown me im not worth it.

So it be learned...

All of these girls,
they pose infront of mirrors,
revealing clothes are being worn
they're trying to get the guys

they're being teenagers, caring about booze and not getting caught,
of sex and boys
of drugs and appearance.

what if this isn't how it's supposed to be?
there are things bigger then us, and those things are what we should be worrying about

if everyone cared not so much about the competition - being better then everyone else - we could accomplish something in this world, perhaps ending poverty and hunger, war and crimes.
there would be more time to deal with world issues, not everyone would be in their own world

i'm a hypocrit of myself, todays the first day ive really eaten in three days.
i hit 158. lowest weight ever.
sigh
problem is this isn't for the appearance anymore, it's because i dont WANT to eat,
theres a difference. this is psychological.


I'm tired of being the fat girl
the one that doesnt fit in,
i'm going to be the fat girl, and i'm going to fit in in my own group.
the one i make
by myself

and i've never felt so alone, but i've also never felt like there were this many possibilities.
I can go anywhere i want, i just have to hop on a bus
i can talk to just about anyone, all i have to do is send a message
i can inspire others, all i have to do is make them listen to me
i can get attention , all i have to do is stop trying to gain it

let's live this life,
let's do what i want
i'm never going to get a second chance

i'll do my hair because i want to, colour it how i'd like it
cut it in my style, shape it how i want it
talk to who i want to, and move away from those i dont like
eat when i choose i want to, not when society tells me to

here's to the breaking of social norms (y)

Taking It's Toll on Me.

After this fight with my mom i can't think straight. i can't focus on anything. It was just such a reassurance that she doesn't notice me and doesn't believe in me. She's being so stupid about not even taking 2hrs to get me a passport so i can go to Georgia and stand up to protest against something. I want to so badly.

And i told dad everything last night because he started talking about how "every teenager is the same" and "everyone goes through this" which was a mistake. He didn't take this like I wanted him to, he should have talked to me about proper things, like what caused this etc. He just related it all to mom. He doesn't understand that I'm stuck with Ana now. He doesn't understand that I'm mentally sick. I can recognize that I'm mentally sick, its obvious to me now, but I don't have anorexia. And cutting isn't a problem, it's a good distraction.

I just want to sleep forever. I don't want to do this anymore. I've got to go back to mom's house tonight and I don't know how that's going to turn out. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I personally don't want to see my Mom ever again, but I'm going because she needs me, and Ryan needs me. If i'm not there they're eating eggs every night. I'm the one to cook the meals.

I think mom is depressed. Clinically or chronically. I think she needs help, and medication. Auntie Lorna doesn't seem to think the same way, but she didn't give me any good solutions for this either. She just basically told me I'm wrong.
I'm not wrong. All I want to do is help the person that's hurting me the most.
Even if I am going to hell.

I cut yesterday night, and I got scared so I called Kids Help Phone. God are they miracle workers. It's like talking to someone that won't judge you and knows how to deal with what you're saying. They understand what you're doing and they want to help. They give you the attention you need, undivided attention.

I need a plan, and I don't have any. I feel so helpless, so worthless and so pain-stricken.
I ate a wrap after work with Marcus (who got back together with his girlfriend) and then i came home and puked it all up. Then I had a diet pill and a smoke.

I'm not doing this for weightloss, I'm doing this because it's all I know. And that's what my Dad doesn't understand.

God I regret saying anything to him.

I'm just done.

I'm the Hero

I'm focusing. I want to be hungry while eating healthier. I had a banana (85) and one piece of bread (70) for breakfast before work instead of having my bowl of cheerios with milk (+250). I worked my breakfast off at work, 3.5 hours of it to be exact. that's over 300 calories burned. I had food from work - a chicken cesear wrap with fries. that was a mistake. 

But i can't purge. They'll hear me. 

My grandma is planning some thanksgiving dinner tonight, so i'll take minimal amounts with a pill. 

I was out to dinner last night with some friends and purged twice. 

I felt defeated. Like I'm not strong enough to say no. I hate that. I just want to be pretty. To have power. To be skinny. 

GO GET SKINNY.

GET FUCKING SKINNY YOU FAT COW. 

WHY CAN'T YOU SAY NO TO ANYTHING?

YOU'RE SO WORTHLESS, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND TO PUT FOOD IN THAT FAT FACE OF YOURS. YOU HAVE ENOUGH OF IT UNDER YOUR SKIN.

i dont know how i wrote that...it was like i wasn't typing...

Ana...

My God. 

She's not gone, she's been here the whole time, waiting for the time where she can steal me back and make me obey her. She wants to train me, to make me one of her friends. 

I want to cut. But i dont have my blade. Maybe I'll hack with a pencap again.

I'm trying ...i thought.

My friend Krysten is struggling with Ana too. She is anorexic (her definition) I am not anorexic. Ana just follows me.

Krysten only eats when she wants to, and doesn't when she doesnt. I dont think that's anorexia at all. I've had it worse then her. She has a boyfriend now - someone who actually loves her enough to be with her. I dont have that. She TOLD him about her eating habits and he said she was beautiful the way she was, and now she instantly wants to go into recovery? What is this? 

I have this deep gut feeling that she's just agreeing to it because I agreed to it. Like she's following me in recovery.

..What recovery? Sure I'm better then I was at the beginning of September, but I'm sure as hell not in recovery. I just want to sit in a black box until I die to be honest. 

But I would miss so much.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

I don't know who I can talk to anymore. I don't have anyone that reacts the right way, or says the right things, or takes things the right way. They don't understand. Noone can help me. 

I cried last night after dinner when i got home (i found out about Krysten's "recovery" right after dinner). I felt so alone. I don't want to talk to Ryan anymore. He doesn't need me on his back. 

I can't talk to Rieki, I think she's going back. She never says the right things either. Sure i generally tell her whats going on but still.

Definatly not Karyn.

This is a really immature thought, but i feel like Karyn's stealing my friends. They were something that were mine, and I didn't want to bring anyone else into this group because I liked having a group of people supporting me and being with me like they are. But now she's here...I don't know...I find that whenever shes around I'm never myself. 

I'm loosing.

It's a Cycle

I'm sorry that I can't be the one who you would want. I could have treated you so much better then she did. I would have loved you, and I would never have let anything happen to you. I'm sorry that you didn't love me back. I'm sorry that I starve(d) myself because of it. I'm trying to be perfect.
For you.
And it still seems like you don't want me.
So I'm giving up.
You can have her.
I don't need you in my life anymore.
I don't need anyone anymore.

This is a terrible cycle to be in, one of pain and remorse, guilt and pleasure. Depression - happiness - depression - happiness. It just ends with us all being depressed.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I know I am.
My own mother doesn't think I'm a good enough daughter. I need to be better for her. I need to be better for everyone else. But I can't be better on my own. And there's noone else I trust enough to fix me.
I don't even trust myself.

I don't want to be fixed. I'm not a toy that keeps breaking just to reconstruct - it doesn't work that way. I'm not something that can be taped back together. I'm gone.

I'm sorry I'm not enough for anyone.
No one ever says the right things, moves in the right ways, is who I need - for me to recover.
It's always going to be like this. I've just got to accept it.
This is how I'm living.
Ana is the driver, she always has been - and I'm just the passenger.

I try to disobey her, but I keep cutting instead of getting better.
Cut after cut after cut
I'm at 50+ total now.

Count the scars,
then tell me I'm okay.