Dec.27

I'm sorry to say I've screwed my life up, but it's the truth.

i drink and smoke and drink some more, throwing my life away with every puff and sip. I hate to say it's empowering, but it's not a lie. I can show myself that I have the power to throw my life away, even if I'm failing at starving. I'm going back to ana now, she's calling me again. I hit 163 lbs and feel like the fattest little fucker ever. i miss my 157 lbs - stupid holidays getting the best of me, never again.

Fire away, I'm ready for anything because nothing can hurt me more then how much I'm hurting now - all the time. These thoughts in my head - of abandonment, pain, loss, starvation, bones, ana, music, death - they're going to drain me and I'm going to die.

I'm jealous of all the girls who are like I was, doing good in school with their whole lives inhead of them with their innocence still in tact. That's who I want to be. That's not who I am anymore.
Hanging out with different crowds, I started to even be able to talk like them. Cruising with people smoking and blasting drake was the most fun I've had in a while. That wouldnt have been my answer if you asked if i would have fun doing that a year and a half ago.

It just goes to show you how much things change, and how much power your own mind has.

I love my new friends to bits, and I've kept most of my old ones too - I just feel like I'm being unfair to everyone.

Marcus is being a dumb-wad. December was and still is a hard month for me, so i didnt text him as much and he started complaining about me not texting him after the work Christmas party so i texted him after, the next day, and the next night to no answers. So i didnt bother after that because he didnt seem to want to talk to me. I still texted him saying happy boxing day and he responded with "i'll ttyl im with the gf" ....im like...okay. awksssbro. like it's not that i mind you're with your gf but if she still doesnt want you texting me then she's just brainwashed you

what ever happened to you liking me? because i still like you more then i should.

and then you tell Victoria that you figured i wasnt texting you so why should you make the effort? thats just dumb. i have no idea what to expect from that now. I'm sorry that i had alot on my mind and needed a bit of space?
I hurt you i know that. just by being around you or not being around you you're the one hurting me. Why couldnt you have just broken up with her and had me instead?
when i was really good friends with you you almost broke up with her. i left and you guys had the time of your lives.
should i bother coming back now?
mason said he was going to go up to your gf at the christmas party and ask if thats lydia. i spazzed and you spazzed - i asked you "see why i left?" and you said "whats stopping you?"
yeah.
fucker.

ryan - im just done. I miss you and i love you but im done. You're being such a dick to everyone and i know that you know you're a dick. I will honestly be very surprised if our plans for today actually go through. I" wasnt going to talk to you at all or plan anything. I was honestly going to do the bitch move and cancel these plans for today last second just because you're constantly cancelling plans with me.
and that shit at tim's with peter and rick? just dumb.
you thought i was alone and then showed your face and peters an hour and a half late. not only that but you woudlnt listen to me all night.

and this is after my self-destruction drinking night at alex's where i kept asking you to talk to me and everything and you took it as "i want to have sex with you" and then saying you didnt want to take advantange of me. and then you started texting me for once and asked how i was and i said alright and w.e. and then saying that you keep worrying about me and you love me.
fuck you.

why do i still want you?

and auntie L, you should be worried. your niece's whole life is revolving around self-destruction and pain.

and jefe idk what to say. your personality is amazing but theres just nothing there.

im too fucked up for any of you, and i dont want to hurt anyone else because of my past. everyone's shown me im not worth it.