Simple Plan - How Could This Happen To Me?

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light.
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I'm laying here tonight
And I can’t STAND the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t STAND the pain


*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold
On to a time when 
Nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

*CHORUS*
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

turn the water red before drifting off into death

I feel like such a slut...

I love the moment you have the morning after you do anything with a guy and you dont regret it. You feel like you're ontop of the world - you can talk to anyone, be anything you want. And then Ana usually comes back around too. It's a win for everyone.
Last night was new year's eve - duh - and idk it was just a strange night.

On tuesday night last week ryan came over after our big mall/walking excurision and yes we did shit.
I hate that he's never going to be mine. I'm definatly accepting this though, and just taking what I can get and moving on. The problem is that he wanted to have sex on Tuesday, and it was hard enough to keep it down while my mom and bro were upstairs sleeping and we're in the living room - we ended up going downstairs anyways but that was fucking cold.

So yeah....i miss him. I take that night and play it over and over in my head all the time - it calms me down knowing that I'm good enough at least to fool around with I guess.
But now it's hard to go on my couch or my basement floor...it just reminds me of this too much for now. If mom or bro wasnt home he'd be staying the night and i assure you that would more then likely end in sex.

And marcus is being stupid too. We happened to chill at the bus terminal for a bit - this is after he told his girlfriend addie that he wasn't going to be friends with me for too much longer (like WTFBATMAN?) sorry did i do something wrong? I'm the one that likes you and you used to like me too so I'm sorry if I find it annoying if you're being weird or won't stop talking about your fucking girlfriend. You told me that you guys had sex for your birthday...im not one of the guys, Marc.

And yeah, the new years party last night - ryan was there. he went out on a walk with Karyn and ended up kissing her. So I madeout with her when they came back. Yeah. Gotcha Ryan.
Sorry kid, but she even said agreed he didnt know what he was doing.
Whose better now? *points to self*

And I've been talking to this guy Jaime-Lee, and I'll just call him JL for now..
But he wants to take me do dinner. And I really want to go! He's kinda like .. 27 with a girlfriend though. But he used to be a tattoo artist and a piercer so ...really cute.
And I had the biggest gut feeling hes going to try some shit with me, like to cheat on his girlfriend. And I can't admit that I don't want him too, but still. Theres a back story to this one:

The party last night my friend Alysia had too much to drink. And she's psychic so she can predict even easier. She did mine and told me that if I go to dinner with JL then he's going to come onto me. I'm definatly going to makeout with him and hes going to try to rape me...I'm supposed to tell my mom I'm out to dinner with a friend and when he asks if anyone knows who I'm with I have to lie and say yes.
If he drives it'll be in a car, if not we're going back to his place. If I don't tell anyone that I'm going to dinner then it can't be prevented but someone's apparantally supposed to come save me...like some fucking hero's going to bust his ass to save my skanky one..
Hes going to pin me down and when I refuse to have sex with him he's going to say something like "well you've lead me on this much" and I'm going to think it's all my fault.
Funny because this sounds exactly like what I would do. Will I have sex with him is the question.

I'm also supposed to go out with Jefe in a month or so, and a few months into the relationship I'm supposed to have sex with him. Then the next week I'm supposed to cheat on him with Ryan who I will finally have sex with. And then me and Jefe are supposed to break up because he can't stand it.
So....I've kind of got my life planned out for me. And if I thought the ana and the near-death circumstances and then complete lack of self-worth and major self-destruction were bad now, it's going to get 10 times worse. Apparantally I'm not going to commit suicide but I'm still so shocked..

That was my story for today.. but I'm just in need of sleep. School seems so pointless to me when I look at the actual big picture.

POEM

so close but so far away
i know you're not here to stay
watching you leave adds to ruts
whats more to say abou tall these cuts?

bleed bleed bleed bleed
what more could i need?
not visible to anyone anymore
what else do i have in store?

noone listens, cares or talks
secrets in boxes, held with these locks
chains, walls, an impentratble force
held me back from life's real course

change change change change
nothing ever stays the same
the hair, makeup and attitude too
all things to make me forget you

starve, fail and starve again
this is how my life will end
skina dn bones is all i need
make me invisible, just how i seem

coward, hypocrite, bitch, liar
cussing at myself, i'm the fire
action reaction is how life goes
how long i'll live only i know

not seeing, caring or wanting at all
you wont catch me when i fall
i've lost this stupid game
no more rise to glorious fame

is it over? have i lost?
i've paid a great cost
no time to run, it's finally done
look at me , the monster i've become

hurt others, get hurt myself
too late to get any type of help
beyond words, actions or rhymes
noone cares to take the time

this little girl, pretty and rpestine
has gone away just like a dream
herself has entirely disappeared
for noone could keep her here

like a life-long trap its like a game
i am the only one to blame
self worth diminished it's all gone
she wont get to sing her last song

what if she left? just went away
noone would have anything to say
maybe she will finally and always be known
as the girl who lost everything she's to own

attention-seeker, tramp liar and hoe
its all true and this i definatly know
people try to tell her wtong, they don't get it
noone can tell her how she is, how pathetic

they try to help her and tell her she's pretty
she just thinks they're all pretty witty
they'rea ll lies, what they have to say,
she knows the voices won't go away

a troubled kid with a childhood to match
some more cuts, to her just a scratch
so she cuts and cuts some more
wonders what she's living for

hearts and people to give and take
she just wants a quiet break
life's too fast for her to keep up
and so she's stuck in all her ruts

she wished she could tell you
but you'd take her for a food
her story you wont even understand
all of herself, is this what you planned?

broke this girl to pieces and now she cries
it's too late to say any sweet goodbyes

Dec.27

I'm sorry to say I've screwed my life up, but it's the truth.

i drink and smoke and drink some more, throwing my life away with every puff and sip. I hate to say it's empowering, but it's not a lie. I can show myself that I have the power to throw my life away, even if I'm failing at starving. I'm going back to ana now, she's calling me again. I hit 163 lbs and feel like the fattest little fucker ever. i miss my 157 lbs - stupid holidays getting the best of me, never again.

Fire away, I'm ready for anything because nothing can hurt me more then how much I'm hurting now - all the time. These thoughts in my head - of abandonment, pain, loss, starvation, bones, ana, music, death - they're going to drain me and I'm going to die.

I'm jealous of all the girls who are like I was, doing good in school with their whole lives inhead of them with their innocence still in tact. That's who I want to be. That's not who I am anymore.
Hanging out with different crowds, I started to even be able to talk like them. Cruising with people smoking and blasting drake was the most fun I've had in a while. That wouldnt have been my answer if you asked if i would have fun doing that a year and a half ago.

It just goes to show you how much things change, and how much power your own mind has.

I love my new friends to bits, and I've kept most of my old ones too - I just feel like I'm being unfair to everyone.

Marcus is being a dumb-wad. December was and still is a hard month for me, so i didnt text him as much and he started complaining about me not texting him after the work Christmas party so i texted him after, the next day, and the next night to no answers. So i didnt bother after that because he didnt seem to want to talk to me. I still texted him saying happy boxing day and he responded with "i'll ttyl im with the gf" ....im like...okay. awksssbro. like it's not that i mind you're with your gf but if she still doesnt want you texting me then she's just brainwashed you

what ever happened to you liking me? because i still like you more then i should.

and then you tell Victoria that you figured i wasnt texting you so why should you make the effort? thats just dumb. i have no idea what to expect from that now. I'm sorry that i had alot on my mind and needed a bit of space?
I hurt you i know that. just by being around you or not being around you you're the one hurting me. Why couldnt you have just broken up with her and had me instead?
when i was really good friends with you you almost broke up with her. i left and you guys had the time of your lives.
should i bother coming back now?
mason said he was going to go up to your gf at the christmas party and ask if thats lydia. i spazzed and you spazzed - i asked you "see why i left?" and you said "whats stopping you?"
yeah.
fucker.

ryan - im just done. I miss you and i love you but im done. You're being such a dick to everyone and i know that you know you're a dick. I will honestly be very surprised if our plans for today actually go through. I" wasnt going to talk to you at all or plan anything. I was honestly going to do the bitch move and cancel these plans for today last second just because you're constantly cancelling plans with me.
and that shit at tim's with peter and rick? just dumb.
you thought i was alone and then showed your face and peters an hour and a half late. not only that but you woudlnt listen to me all night.

and this is after my self-destruction drinking night at alex's where i kept asking you to talk to me and everything and you took it as "i want to have sex with you" and then saying you didnt want to take advantange of me. and then you started texting me for once and asked how i was and i said alright and w.e. and then saying that you keep worrying about me and you love me.
fuck you.

why do i still want you?

and auntie L, you should be worried. your niece's whole life is revolving around self-destruction and pain.

and jefe idk what to say. your personality is amazing but theres just nothing there.

im too fucked up for any of you, and i dont want to hurt anyone else because of my past. everyone's shown me im not worth it.

So it be learned...

All of these girls,
they pose infront of mirrors,
revealing clothes are being worn
they're trying to get the guys

they're being teenagers, caring about booze and not getting caught,
of sex and boys
of drugs and appearance.

what if this isn't how it's supposed to be?
there are things bigger then us, and those things are what we should be worrying about

if everyone cared not so much about the competition - being better then everyone else - we could accomplish something in this world, perhaps ending poverty and hunger, war and crimes.
there would be more time to deal with world issues, not everyone would be in their own world

i'm a hypocrit of myself, todays the first day ive really eaten in three days.
i hit 158. lowest weight ever.
sigh
problem is this isn't for the appearance anymore, it's because i dont WANT to eat,
theres a difference. this is psychological.


I'm tired of being the fat girl
the one that doesnt fit in,
i'm going to be the fat girl, and i'm going to fit in in my own group.
the one i make
by myself

and i've never felt so alone, but i've also never felt like there were this many possibilities.
I can go anywhere i want, i just have to hop on a bus
i can talk to just about anyone, all i have to do is send a message
i can inspire others, all i have to do is make them listen to me
i can get attention , all i have to do is stop trying to gain it

let's live this life,
let's do what i want
i'm never going to get a second chance

i'll do my hair because i want to, colour it how i'd like it
cut it in my style, shape it how i want it
talk to who i want to, and move away from those i dont like
eat when i choose i want to, not when society tells me to

here's to the breaking of social norms (y)

Taking It's Toll on Me.

After this fight with my mom i can't think straight. i can't focus on anything. It was just such a reassurance that she doesn't notice me and doesn't believe in me. She's being so stupid about not even taking 2hrs to get me a passport so i can go to Georgia and stand up to protest against something. I want to so badly.

And i told dad everything last night because he started talking about how "every teenager is the same" and "everyone goes through this" which was a mistake. He didn't take this like I wanted him to, he should have talked to me about proper things, like what caused this etc. He just related it all to mom. He doesn't understand that I'm stuck with Ana now. He doesn't understand that I'm mentally sick. I can recognize that I'm mentally sick, its obvious to me now, but I don't have anorexia. And cutting isn't a problem, it's a good distraction.

I just want to sleep forever. I don't want to do this anymore. I've got to go back to mom's house tonight and I don't know how that's going to turn out. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I personally don't want to see my Mom ever again, but I'm going because she needs me, and Ryan needs me. If i'm not there they're eating eggs every night. I'm the one to cook the meals.

I think mom is depressed. Clinically or chronically. I think she needs help, and medication. Auntie Lorna doesn't seem to think the same way, but she didn't give me any good solutions for this either. She just basically told me I'm wrong.
I'm not wrong. All I want to do is help the person that's hurting me the most.
Even if I am going to hell.

I cut yesterday night, and I got scared so I called Kids Help Phone. God are they miracle workers. It's like talking to someone that won't judge you and knows how to deal with what you're saying. They understand what you're doing and they want to help. They give you the attention you need, undivided attention.

I need a plan, and I don't have any. I feel so helpless, so worthless and so pain-stricken.
I ate a wrap after work with Marcus (who got back together with his girlfriend) and then i came home and puked it all up. Then I had a diet pill and a smoke.

I'm not doing this for weightloss, I'm doing this because it's all I know. And that's what my Dad doesn't understand.

God I regret saying anything to him.

I'm just done.