Taking It's Toll on Me.

After this fight with my mom i can't think straight. i can't focus on anything. It was just such a reassurance that she doesn't notice me and doesn't believe in me. She's being so stupid about not even taking 2hrs to get me a passport so i can go to Georgia and stand up to protest against something. I want to so badly.

And i told dad everything last night because he started talking about how "every teenager is the same" and "everyone goes through this" which was a mistake. He didn't take this like I wanted him to, he should have talked to me about proper things, like what caused this etc. He just related it all to mom. He doesn't understand that I'm stuck with Ana now. He doesn't understand that I'm mentally sick. I can recognize that I'm mentally sick, its obvious to me now, but I don't have anorexia. And cutting isn't a problem, it's a good distraction.

I just want to sleep forever. I don't want to do this anymore. I've got to go back to mom's house tonight and I don't know how that's going to turn out. I'm tired of all this bullshit. I personally don't want to see my Mom ever again, but I'm going because she needs me, and Ryan needs me. If i'm not there they're eating eggs every night. I'm the one to cook the meals.

I think mom is depressed. Clinically or chronically. I think she needs help, and medication. Auntie Lorna doesn't seem to think the same way, but she didn't give me any good solutions for this either. She just basically told me I'm wrong.
I'm not wrong. All I want to do is help the person that's hurting me the most.
Even if I am going to hell.

I cut yesterday night, and I got scared so I called Kids Help Phone. God are they miracle workers. It's like talking to someone that won't judge you and knows how to deal with what you're saying. They understand what you're doing and they want to help. They give you the attention you need, undivided attention.

I need a plan, and I don't have any. I feel so helpless, so worthless and so pain-stricken.
I ate a wrap after work with Marcus (who got back together with his girlfriend) and then i came home and puked it all up. Then I had a diet pill and a smoke.

I'm not doing this for weightloss, I'm doing this because it's all I know. And that's what my Dad doesn't understand.

God I regret saying anything to him.

I'm just done.