I'm the Hero

I'm focusing. I want to be hungry while eating healthier. I had a banana (85) and one piece of bread (70) for breakfast before work instead of having my bowl of cheerios with milk (+250). I worked my breakfast off at work, 3.5 hours of it to be exact. that's over 300 calories burned. I had food from work - a chicken cesear wrap with fries. that was a mistake. 

But i can't purge. They'll hear me. 

My grandma is planning some thanksgiving dinner tonight, so i'll take minimal amounts with a pill. 

I was out to dinner last night with some friends and purged twice. 

I felt defeated. Like I'm not strong enough to say no. I hate that. I just want to be pretty. To have power. To be skinny. 

GO GET SKINNY.

GET FUCKING SKINNY YOU FAT COW. 

WHY CAN'T YOU SAY NO TO ANYTHING?

YOU'RE SO WORTHLESS, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND TO PUT FOOD IN THAT FAT FACE OF YOURS. YOU HAVE ENOUGH OF IT UNDER YOUR SKIN.

i dont know how i wrote that...it was like i wasn't typing...

Ana...

My God. 

She's not gone, she's been here the whole time, waiting for the time where she can steal me back and make me obey her. She wants to train me, to make me one of her friends. 

I want to cut. But i dont have my blade. Maybe I'll hack with a pencap again.

I'm trying ...i thought.

My friend Krysten is struggling with Ana too. She is anorexic (her definition) I am not anorexic. Ana just follows me.

Krysten only eats when she wants to, and doesn't when she doesnt. I dont think that's anorexia at all. I've had it worse then her. She has a boyfriend now - someone who actually loves her enough to be with her. I dont have that. She TOLD him about her eating habits and he said she was beautiful the way she was, and now she instantly wants to go into recovery? What is this? 

I have this deep gut feeling that she's just agreeing to it because I agreed to it. Like she's following me in recovery.

..What recovery? Sure I'm better then I was at the beginning of September, but I'm sure as hell not in recovery. I just want to sit in a black box until I die to be honest. 

But I would miss so much.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

I don't know who I can talk to anymore. I don't have anyone that reacts the right way, or says the right things, or takes things the right way. They don't understand. Noone can help me. 

I cried last night after dinner when i got home (i found out about Krysten's "recovery" right after dinner). I felt so alone. I don't want to talk to Ryan anymore. He doesn't need me on his back. 

I can't talk to Rieki, I think she's going back. She never says the right things either. Sure i generally tell her whats going on but still.

Definatly not Karyn.

This is a really immature thought, but i feel like Karyn's stealing my friends. They were something that were mine, and I didn't want to bring anyone else into this group because I liked having a group of people supporting me and being with me like they are. But now she's here...I don't know...I find that whenever shes around I'm never myself. 

I'm loosing.