It's a Cycle

I'm sorry that I can't be the one who you would want. I could have treated you so much better then she did. I would have loved you, and I would never have let anything happen to you. I'm sorry that you didn't love me back. I'm sorry that I starve(d) myself because of it. I'm trying to be perfect.
For you.
And it still seems like you don't want me.
So I'm giving up.
You can have her.
I don't need you in my life anymore.
I don't need anyone anymore.

This is a terrible cycle to be in, one of pain and remorse, guilt and pleasure. Depression - happiness - depression - happiness. It just ends with us all being depressed.
I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I know I am.
My own mother doesn't think I'm a good enough daughter. I need to be better for her. I need to be better for everyone else. But I can't be better on my own. And there's noone else I trust enough to fix me.
I don't even trust myself.

I don't want to be fixed. I'm not a toy that keeps breaking just to reconstruct - it doesn't work that way. I'm not something that can be taped back together. I'm gone.

I'm sorry I'm not enough for anyone.
No one ever says the right things, moves in the right ways, is who I need - for me to recover.
It's always going to be like this. I've just got to accept it.
This is how I'm living.
Ana is the driver, she always has been - and I'm just the passenger.

I try to disobey her, but I keep cutting instead of getting better.
Cut after cut after cut
I'm at 50+ total now.

Count the scars,
then tell me I'm okay.